Gainful Employment
by lucidscreamer
Summary: A bored Yami decides to get a job. At Kaiba Corp. Nothing good can possibly come from this. Set in my post-canon universe. Implied Yami/Yugi. Humorous Seto torture. Crackfic!
1. Chapter 1

Gainful Employment

Author: Lucidscreamer  
Series: Epilogue (crackfic division); see my profile for the series list and recommended reading order.  
Genre: humor (aka crack!fic); mostly gen (mild, implied YamixYugi)  
Note: Part of my post-canon universe that starts with "…Whom the King Loves"  
Summary: A bored Yami goes looking for a job. Chaos ensues - most of it on Kaiba Corp property. *evilgrin*

Disclaimer: Yu-Gi-Oh! was created by Kazuki Takahashi

* * *

No one had even _suggested_ that Yami attend high school, for which he was grateful. He didn't think Yugi would appreciate Yami sending the unlucky bearer of such a suggestion to the Shadow Realm, which would have been his first impulse. He had received quite enough education from his palace tutors, thank you very much, and had a working knowledge of the modern world thanks to his bond with Yugi, from when the two of them still shared Yugi's body. Still, it left Yami with quite a few hours of the day to fill, while Yugi finished his own high school career. And a bored Yami was no one's idea of a Good Thing.

Put simply, the Pharaoh needed a job.

Grandpa Mutou had happily put Yami to work in the game shop - having an instantly recognizable Duel Monsters world champion on staff was a boon to business - and Yami didn't mind helping out, but he knew it was not something he wanted to do forever. Or even more than a few weeks, if he could avoid it. The work was simple - and that was the problem.

Yami needed something that offered him a challenge, either physically or mentally. He did not consider "menial" labor beneath him, despite the position he had held in the ancient past. Here in Domino City, his titles meant less than nothing. He would gladly work with his hands, should the opportunity present itself. Of course, opportunity was the _other_ problem. He had no references, and no past experience he could put on a resume. "Former absolute ruler and god-king" _sounded_ impressive, but who would believe it?

And then Yami realized that there _was_ one person in Domino who knew the truth about him.

So, he went to see Seto Kaiba.

-o0o-

"You want _what_?"

Yami met Kaiba's affronted glare with a calm expression that did little to hide the smirk lurking in his eyes as he repeated himself. "A job."

"With _my_ company? Are you _insane_?"

Kaiba returned to his chair - which he had bolted out of in the aftermath of Yami's bland announcement - with a graceless thump. His right hand twitched toward the silver case containing his deck. It seemed to be an involuntary reaction, like a child reaching for a security blanket after waking from a bad dream, and amused Yami to no end.

Kaiba calmed himself with a visible effort. "Give me one good reason I shouldn't call security and have them throw you out on your ass."

"Other than the fact that anyone attempting to do so will get an express trip to the Shadow Realm?" Yami shrugged. "I'll duel you."

Hand already halfway to the intercom, Seto froze. Yami had been quite adamant about refusing all challengers since returning from Egypt. "…What?"

"I'll duel you. If I win, you have to hire me. If I lose-" Like _that_ was going to happen. "-you'll have regained your world champion status." In a gesture dripping with nonchalance, Yami made a show of studying his nails. "Of course, if you aren't interested-"

"I'll do it."

Yami smiled. Sometimes, you had to make your own opportunities.

-o0o-

Yami won the duel. Damn him.

And the smirk - the smirk that haunted Seto's nightmares - was back on the Pharaoh's face. Seto gritted his teeth and reminded himself that punching Yami would only get him, Seto, a one-way ticket on the Mind Crush Express. Been there, done that, bought the fucking travel brochure. Besides, if he got himself Mind Crushed again, Mokuba would kill him.

Seto sighed as he stalked along the empty corridor leading away from the dueling arena, long strides eating up the carpet. Beside him, Yami was practically jogging to keep up. Seto pinned on a smirk of his own and lengthened his stride. His mind was racing even faster than his legs. He had lost the duel, so now he had to give Yami a job.

_Fuck_.

"So," said the Yami in question. "Any ideas for my new position?"

Six feet under came to mind. Seto narrowly managed to shunt that comment aside, but the one right behind it made it past his self-preservation filters. "How about 'Vice-President in Charge of Leaving Me the Hell Alone'?"

"What kind of salary comes with that?"

Seto almost gaped at him before realizing Yami was yanking his chain. "When did _you_ get a sense of humor?" he demanded, feeling as if he'd missed an important memo.

"I've always had one. I simply do not normally share it with anyone but Yugi."

"And yet you've chosen to inflict it on me. Gee. I feel so special."

"As well you should."

"…I hate you."

Yami smirked at him.

Seto stifled a groan. Maybe he could open up a branch office in Antarctica and appoint Yami as its head….

* * *

Author's note: While I consider this part complete in itself, I'm leaving the fic set to "in-progress," as each "chapter" will be a self-contained ficlet set in the same universe and dealing with similar situations.


	2. Chapter 2

Each "chapter" will be a complete ficlet. I expect each one to correspond to a single day of Yami's employment at Kaiba Corp.

* * *

**Day 1: Research and Development**

Seto staggered into his Kaiba Corp office and dropped onto his leather executive chair like a ton of bricks. A ton of bricks with a raging headache and an incipient ulcer.

R&D was a shambles. His scientists had fled, and were no doubt currently inundating Monster dot com with enough page requests (while trying to update their resumes) that it qualified as a dedicated denial of service attack. His newest employee (one Yami Mutou, henceforth known as "The Menace to Society that Said Society's Ridiculous Mores Prevent Me from Strangling in His Sleep") was sulking in the office suite Seto had unwillingly assigned to him that morning. If things continued unchanged, his company was probably a week (at the most) from total anarchy and/or bankruptcy. Seto himself was about three seconds from a nervous breakdown, and his left eye hadn't stopped twitching since the testing room ceiling had collapsed on top of him thirty minutes ago.

All that and it wasn't even noon yet. Seto wondered if he was too young to start taking five martini lunches. Or maybe he should spare his liver and just get Pegasus to stuff his soul back into one of his damned cards... No, wait. The Menace had all of the Millennium Items now, didn't he? _Fuck_. No way was he asking the Root Cause of All that was Terrible and Wrong-Wrong-Oh-So-Fucking-Wrong with the World to put him out of his misery. Misery that The Menace had wrought just by existing – and insisting that Seto hire him.

Why couldn't the damned ceiling have finished the job when it fell on him?

_Now, be fair,_ chided a mental voice that sounded entirely too much like Mokuba for comfort. _Only_ part _of the ceiling collapsed on top of you._ That was true. Most of the ceiling had collapsed on top of the huge white dragon that had been the cause of the collapse in the first place.

Because _that_ made things ever so much saner.

Lowering his head to the top of his desk with a _thud_, Seto groaned. Not only did he need an entire new R&D Department (and a department in which to house them), he also had a hungry, larger-than-life Blue-Eyes White Dragon downstairs awaiting the arrival of the two tons of fresh fish Seto had ordered to feed it. (He'd dropped the fish order and authorization for the construction crews on his assistant's desk and pretended not to hear the plaintive questions that followed his retreat.)

Of course, the _piece de resistance_ of this entire fucking day was that he still had to find a suitably harmless (to his _company_ – at the present time, the thought of doing bodily harm to certain Pharaohs was nearly irresistible) job position for The Menace.

Several minutes passed without any inspiration presenting itself.

Seto sighed. Kaiba Corp Antarctica was sounding better all the time...


	3. Chapter 3

Note: Even though it might seem like it to those inclined that way, there is absolutely NO Yami/Seto 'shipping intended here. Not even the one-sided kind. Seto is just having another _really bad_ day... XD

* * *

Time flies when you're having fun. From Seto Kaiba's point of view, the morning had already taken three years to pass and the day wasn't even half over. He slouched further down behind his desk and glared at the man on the other side of it.

Hands on hips, Yami glared right back at him. "I am not doing a promotional campaign for Kaiba Corp."

"Why not?" Seto asked wearily, beyond exasperation at this point. (If the day felt as if it were dragging into decade length, this argument would have to be measured in centuries.) "Standing in front of a camera and looking pretty too much work for you?" He sneered.

"Hardly. And that's the crux of the problem! I..." Trailing off, Yami blinked at him. "Did you just call me 'pretty'?"

Blinking back, Seto bolted upright in his chair and frantically rewound the last few seconds of conversation on his mental Tivo, hoping like hell that the playback wouldn't show what he feared it would.

It did.

_Crap_.

"Uh," he said intelligently, and cast about for plausible deniability. In the end, all he managed was a weak, "...No?"

"You did!" Yami sounded delighted and far too amused for Seto's peace of mind. (Seto wished for a flamethrower.) Unaware that his employer was mentally flambéing him even as they spoke, Yami continued, "You had better be glad that Yugi didn't hear you say that. He may not look it, but my aibou can be quite the jealous lover."

"TMI!" Seto did not clap his hands over his ears, but it was a near thing. He settled for upgrading his imaginary flamethrower to an imaginary nuclear missile. Yami ignored his distress.

"Just last week, Yugi became convinced that Joey was ogling my ass. He subjected the poor boy to half an hour of the Wounded Puppy Eyes of Doom and martyred sighs, plus a five minute lecture of the triumph of loyalty and friendship over base physical desire."

Seto had always suspected that beneath that mild exterior Mutou was a manipulative little bastard. He said as much. Yami beamed at this declaration.

"Isn't it great?" His deep voice resonated with pride. "I always feared he was too nice for his own good, but he's coming along splendidly."

Seto didn't quite know what to do with that. It was either bang his head on his desk until he lost consciousness or ignore it, so he went with option two. He didn't trust what the insane Pharaoh might do if left to his own devices in Seto's office with an out-of-commission CEO.

Then his beleaguered brain threw a cog and, to his own horror, Seto heard himself asking the question before he could rally the strength to stop it. "So, _was_ he?"

Yami raised an inquisitive eyebrow.

"Wheeler. Ogling." _Oh, god_. Had that really come out of his mouth? He shot a suspicious glance at the empty coffee cup on the desk in front of him. Maybe he'd been drugged...

"Oh. No." Yami smirked. "We were having an eating contest and I'd just beaten his record by fifteen hot dogs. He was, as I recall, 'tryin' to see where ya put it all'. 'You' being me, of course." Yami made a disdainful sound. "As if anything _I_ eat would go to my _ass_. I am, as you so thoughtfully pointed out, 'pretty'."

Forget the nukes. Seto was now hoping for the sun to go supernova and take out the whole damned planet. Starting with Yami.

"I hate you," he said. "So. _Much_."

With the blithe serenity of one whose reality filter was clearly set on "high," Yami smiled. "Sure, Kaiba. Now, be a pal and find me something interesting to do, will you? I'm bored."

That cheerful pronouncement of doom ringing in Seto's ears, Yami sauntered from the office.

After a few minutes, Seto managed to unclench his fingers from the arms of his chair, where they had left deep indentions in the leather. His unfocused gaze drifted around his office and finally settled on the stuffed penguin sitting beside his telephone. Without conscious thought, he found himself clutching the little bird and thinking longingly of snow and ice and a total lack of Yami's presence anywhere within a thousand miles of his own person.

With new resolve, Seto picked up the phone and dialed his acquisitions team. Time to get the ball rolling on Kaiba Corp Antarctica. And if he couldn't force Yami to work there, at this point, Seto was perfectly willing to transfer _himself_...


End file.
